Advice

Expect the best from those you love and offer your best in return.

Here's a story from my own household to illustrate. My younger son, Chris, is a good basketball player. Chris has got a strong, all-around game-strong on defense, strong on the boards, strong to the hole. About his only weakness, like Shaquille O'Neal's, is his
free-throw shooting. It's his Achilles' heel. In this one area, Chris is not much better than hit or miss, to the point where opposing coaches know that he's the guy to foul when the game's on the line. To his credit, Chris recognizes this flaw in his game, and he's worked on some of the other weapons in his arsenal to compensate, but he knows that no matter how hard he works on his free throws he might never have that sure, soft touch from the line that some of his teammates seem to have been born with.

Okay, so that's the back-story. Front and center, there was Chris's high school team, time running out, meaningful game against a key rival, the other team up by a single point. Our guys had the ball and someone sent it down low to Chris, who was promptly fouled. There were just a couple of tics left on the clock. Chris went to the line for a one-and-one-that is, if he made the first free throw, he'd have a shot at a second. The crowd and the players on each bench were stone silent. There was just Chris, stepping to the foul line, getting ready to shoot.

He sank the first shot, to tie the game, and from my spot in the bleachers I could see him draw in a deep breath. His deep breath matched mine. He'd gone from everything-to-lose to everything-to-gain in the sure, soft flick of his wrists, and I could see the difference in his demeanor. He took his time before taking his second shot, let the gym return to quiet, then sank the next basket as if it was the most natural thing in the world.

The crowd went wild. Chris's teammates went wild. His poor, crazy cheerleader of a mother went wild. Chris collected me in a great big sweaty hug. "Mom," he shouted, above the din, "you and I were the only people in this gym who thought I could hit those shots! We showed 'em, huh?"

It wasn't a fluke, Chris going two-for-two with the game on the line like that. It wasn't dumb luck. It was the by-product of a lifetime of encouragement and nurturing and cheerleading and discipline and love-pure, unconditional love. Actually, to put a fine point on things, it's unconditional love with just a few strings attached. I don't believe it's enough to love a child and leave it at that or for that child to receive love and give nothing but his own love in return. No. It starts there, in our house, but it doesn't end there.

Single Parenthood

In an age where the percentage of single parent households grows each day, it is no wonder that many of the questions I receive have to do with issues involving dealing with single parenthood. Often we hear of the effects that these homes have on the children but rarely do we have discussions regarding the effects on the parent. As a single mother myself, I have lived in these shoes. I know how difficult it can be to juggle work, childrearing, and other obligations without the physical presence of another parent each day. Yet, I am not going to spend this time discussing the hardships of single parenting. What I am going to do is give you small suggestions to maximize quality time with your children and find the precious moments to yourself that can be a struggle to make room for.

1. Use your ride to and from work to either mentally gear up for or wind down from your work day. By using this time to organize your thoughts, you may find that when you reach your destination, it will be much easier to tend to the needs of your children or your career.
   
   
2. When you do have time with your children, try your best to make it quality time. Simple adjustments like cooking dinner together while chatting about your days can start wonderful traditions. One thing that I did with my sons is using the car ride to school as an additional chance to facilitate conversation. Our rule was the radio was either on the way to school or coming back home from school, but not both. In the beginning there was an adjustment period, but soon enough they looked forward to our time together just as much (or even more than) listening to their latest jam on the radio.
   
   
3. Between work and school schedules, sports, dances, and church, many families do not take the time to just spend relaxing recreational time together. Family activities can sometimes be one of the rare times that you have your children together. Try not to take family time away as a punishment. If your family tradition is to go to the movies the first Friday of each month, think twice before you cut this activity because your child didn’t keep his or her room clean that week. Is there any other activity that you could use as a punishment? Maybe you can cancel a trip to the skating rink with friends.
   
   
4. Make time for yourself! As parents, we all want to give our all to our children but we also need to be mindful to give to ourselves. Self-care is more important than many of us realize. Many parents do not recognize they need time to decompress until their stress level is peaking. So while I know it sounds nearly impossible at times, but alone time is imperative to maintain your sanity. Even if it is just 30 minutes to take a hot bath or an hour to work out, these moments can do wonders for your mental well-being. One thing that I did when my boys were younger was to create a network of single mothers in my community. We would often take turns watching each others children while one of the mothers took time run errands or just needed a few hours alone. I met lifelong friends in mothers that could relate to my situation and my boys met some great playmates!